Trade Assumptions for Honest Communication

We’ve all heard the saying, assuming makes a… well, you know the rest. And yet, all of us have been guilty of making assumptions—especially in romantic relationships. So often, we expect our partner to know what we want without saying it, assuming they’ll plan something special for our birthday or instinctively knowing how to handle family gatherings. But when reality doesn’t match those unspoken expectations, disappointment creeps in. The good news? We can turn assumptions into communication to create an overall healthier relationship dynamic (and nix unnecessary frustration). Here are some therapist-backed tips to get that shift toward honest communication started:

1. Find Clarity in Your Expectations

It’s impossible to communicate your needs if you don’t fully understand them yourself. Take a moment to ask: What do I hope my partner will do in this situation? It isn’t always a one-size-fits-all answer, so it might be helpful to use this as a journal prompt and jot down some thoughts. For example, maybe you’re a proud dog mom—you don’t expect a full-blown Mother’s Day celebration, but a little acknowledgment for all you do for your shared fur baby would mean something. And sure, to some, your expectations might seem unnecessary, but that doesn’t make them any less valid! Being clear on your expectations doesn’t mean judging them. And keep in mind that a healthy relationship means your partner wants to make you feel loved where they can—they’ll want to cook you up those pancakes to celebrate dog-motherhood. They just need to know it matters to you.

2. Say It Out Loud—Even if It Feels Obvious (Or a Little Scary)

What’s obvious to you may not even be on your partner’s radar. For example, if you grew up in a home where birthdays were a big event—balloons, parties, and the whole family gathering—but your partner’s family of origin kept things simple, maybe just a cake and a song at the end of the day, they might not realize how much a grand celebration means to you. Not because they don’t care but because their experience has shaped different expectations. Without clear communication, you could end up feeling disappointed, while they’re left baffled about what went wrong.

Instead of assuming they’ll pick up on hints, use direct, kind communication: “It would mean a lot to me if we planned something special for my birthday this year; let’s plan to host our friends and family for a barbecue.” Clear requests prevent resentment and set your partner up for success.

Here, we’d also like to acknowledge that asking for what you want can feel a little scary—especially if you’re not used to it (recovering people pleasers, you got this!). Take solace in the fact that open, authentic communication is a skill, and the more we practice it, just like any skill, the less awkward it becomes for us.

3. Regularly Check In

Instead of assuming your partner sees things the way you do, ask. A simple check-in like, “Hey, what’s your take on how we handle gifts for anniversaries?” or “How do you feel about big holiday celebrations?” opens up space for understanding. When both partners feel heard, expectations become shared agreements—not secret tests that lead to disappointment. These types of conversations are essential in the beginning of relationships. Over time, you’ll find your routine together with many things, and though these conversations may come up less as you learn each other, continued open communication regarding expectations is ongoing.

Let’s Drop the Assumptions & Start the Conversations in Couples Counseling

The bottom line is that assumptions are notorious for creating distance in relationships, and as couples therapists, we want to see you and your partner growing closer rather than apart. The best solution for this is kind, honest communication on both ends to bridge the gap and build a stronger connection. If you and your partner need guidance in this department, we are here for you! Reach out to our Intake Coordinator at 949-236-1990 or intakes@lisaeatontherapy.com. You can also learn more over at our Get Started Page.